I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
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one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
This was the best day of my life
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Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
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Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions