I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
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Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press