Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

Canada has crack?

No. He’s not coming out to play

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.