Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im 7 sauces long

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

Bear

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.