I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
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When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
drew a comic about my origin story
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Mountain Goat : )
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.