I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

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protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?


to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of


*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion


*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!


Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.


ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?


My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.


teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong


“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon