I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
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Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.