I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st![]()
You Might Also Like
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
![]()
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
![]()
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
💻🤡
![]()
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.