Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

I have a place for everything. The floor.

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

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Morningbreath

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I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.