i’m gonna allow it
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some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]