i’m gonna allow it
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Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?