I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
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[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
The three genders
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.