I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
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I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.