Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

💀🤣

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.