I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
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I have no idea what she’s talking about.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
😩😩😩
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
what do you want!!!!!!!!