I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
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FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Never go to sleep after making me angry
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.