I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
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*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
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Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
“Worm Regards”
I feel seen.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.