I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
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Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
o shit
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”