I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
You Might Also Like
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes