Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

The happy life.. 😊

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.