Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

i could never be president. im overqualified.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir