“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
You Might Also Like
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack