“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
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Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
It’s the weekend y’all
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
are they though??
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me