I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
You Might Also Like
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Well well well…
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well