I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
You Might Also Like
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO