I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
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My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.