A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
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my son kept whispering “perfect sandwich” over and over while he made a sandwich and now he won’t even let me try it
Me, as that guy from the Martian…
Day 1: I have enough food for 52 days
Day 2: I have enough food for 9 days
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!