I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
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[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
These aliens are taking forever.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
spot the difference
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”