I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
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Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue