I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
You Might Also Like
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”