Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.