“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
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Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.