Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry