I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
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If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u