Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

Am getting real tired of your crap…

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

Awesome parenting 😂

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.