Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

so weird how every mom was born today

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

As a doctor, I can confirm

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.