Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?