I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
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take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?