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this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
can’t talk my ride’s here
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Ah..makes sense now
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.