Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it