Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*