I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
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I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
sigh
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today