I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
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Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”