I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
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Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
my mom making me talk to relatives
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day