im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.