I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
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Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
ibopfufen
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
where do you see yourself in five years?
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
But I really needed water water water
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.