Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”

“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.