I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
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The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
im gay on my mothers side
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
philosophical skeletons be like
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.