I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
You Might Also Like
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
At an art museum and I thought this was art
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain