Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sounds like a real hoot.

thoughts?

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.