Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

This kid is a star!

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish