“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
