Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

that would 100% work on me

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow