Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.