Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

I think I’ll stand

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

the chicken was already gone when I got here

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

My loaf of bread looks terrified

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.