“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
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If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Do one thing every day that scares people.
When you’ve simply given up.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions