“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
You Might Also Like
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
gender is a sprctrum
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.