Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

TEETH IS INNOCENT

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.