Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

Europe. Made in Germany.

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.