I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
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Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS