Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

what’s the point then??

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

Finally, an explanation.

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.