Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

Interior design 👌

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.