I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
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This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
23. the denim jacket
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin