Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn