i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
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wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
when u come home smelling like another dog
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.