i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
You Might Also Like
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Velcrow
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.