Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

Happy thanksgiving!

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

The options really are this bad

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants