Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

?

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

it’s a van. how do they not know this

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me: