Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping