Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

Why does laundry happen to good people?

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Note to self: always read the final line

HERE’S MARKY

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!