Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

A tragic love story in two pictures.

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?