I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
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DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
