I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
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Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs