I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
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I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.