I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
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One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.