i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
You Might Also Like
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
The biggest mystery of our time
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…