i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
You Might Also Like
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
is it too early for christmas memes
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning