I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
You Might Also Like
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Orange is oranging 🟠
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what