Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

operators are standing by to ignore your call

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

😭🤣

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

I need a long hot meteor shower

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.